Sunday, December 27, 2009


This is my Mom and my Uncle Homer (her brother) taken at a family reunion last year.  What cuties!

My Mom is a wonderful woman, but she has had a long starring role as a perpetual victim. She continues to play this role and hold herself back from enjoying life. I hate it! OK, I know the old adage, if life gives you lemons make lemonade, is often easier said than done, but I view negative thoughts/emotions that continue to haunt us as a poison. I know for myself, the affects are devastating. It affects me mentally, spiritually, and physically. It has taken me 10 years to recover since my brother's death from the poisoning effects of my grief and negativity. The wishing that things could have been different, the wondering if I would have said this or done that if things could have been different. But, lets face it - we can't go back. None of us. No matter how we would like to right a wrong that we have done or that has been done to us, and yes, we live in a fallen world and things are not all rosy, but we can't change the past, we can only learn from it. From the words of Zig Ziggler, in later life, - it's not positive thinking - it's right thinking we need. I may have paraphrased-forgive me. I remember a story he told where he had met a person that was having a bad day and instead of asking if there was anything he could do and showing true concern, he had told that person to just think positively. Again, I am telling this from memory, so  the story may not be as factual as it is parabalistic. The gist of the story is, the right thing to do, was to empathize and ask the person how they could help, instead of coming across as a know it all with an easy fix.

Well, this morning I'm afraid, I came across as a know it all in the conversation with my Mom. Meaning well, but doing more harm than good. When people are broken, they are not whole and therefore cannot think like a whole person. They are like a victim of a cave in; broken and shattered they are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel because of all the rubble around them. It is up to the caring and thoughtful person, that can see the light, to ask what they can do to help and then gently lend a helping hand and guide them into the light. Instead I think I tried to shove my Mom into it, causing more bruising, damage, and brokeness - actually delaying her from reaching the light.

I of all people, should realize this, and I guess I do, but now I need to learn how to apply what I know. Again, I remember when I was hurting with the loss of my brother and how someone told me how depression was a selfish disease and how people that "wallowed" in it, often just wanted attention for themselves. I was devastated. How wrong can people be? I didn't want attention - I just wanted the pain to stop. I think back and wish that person would have just said, I know your hurting and there is nothing I can do, but be here if you need a shoulder to cry on. I think I would have healed faster, if I would have been empowered to release my grief instead of feel guilty about it. I needed love and understanding, instead of  know it all judgment.

So, now I need to call my Mom and offer her my helping hand...I only hope she  feels safe enough to take it, after the awful shove I gave her this morning.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I understand where you're coming from. Gosh, I'm constantly having these sorts of interactions with my own mom and then coming away feeling guilty for it. Way too often I come off as a know it all instead of as a compassionate person. I'm constantly kicking myself for it and then I do it again. This seems to be the way with those that are closest to us. Why is that? I don't know. Anyway, it's true that the past is the past and the only place to make any difference is in the presence. But that doesn't mean that we don't have the right to our feelings and emotions. What is wrong with that person for saying that awful thing to you about depression being a selfish thing??? In fact, that statement sounds like something from the mouth of a very selfish person. It's clear from your words that you're not selfish at all. I hope all's straightened out. And don't be too hard on yourself for not being perfect! (smile). And, yes, they ARE cuties, your mom and uncle. Wishing you a wonderful, joyful, and healthy new year!